Hello again! I was going to write a informative post about the political happenings of the day, but then realized that Justin is far better at that sort of thing (thanks Justin!), and decided instead just to do what I do
best mediocre-ly well: review shit.
This time it's the movie Lockout, which is about a prison in space.
The movie starts out with our hero, Snow, who I think maybe some sort of government agent although it's not really made too clear, being blamed for trying to steal some government secrets, although he claims he was really trying to protect them. Anyway, nobody is buying that so they plan on sending him to MS-1, a prison in space, for 3 years. Meanwhile, however, the President's daughter is on MS-1 and inadvertently allows all the prisoners to escape. Whoops! So now, instead of just going to prison, Snow is being allowed (for some reason) to try and rescue the President's daughter, and at the same time secretly find his buddy, who happens to be a prisoner on MS-1, who can prove that he is innocent of the whole stealing government secrets thing. How fun!
So that's the setup. Edward Douglas, a professional movie reviewer, said this movie was like "Die Hard meets Blade Runner," which I totally agree with. It's like Die Hard because it features one vigilante taking on the bad guys from the inside, and it's like Blade Runner because... um... well... because it's set in the future. So really, you could have said that it is Die Hard meets Wall-E and still been just as correct.
Now, for the record, I love this kind of movie, mostly for it's unintentional comedic value. And this one did not disappoint. It's got lots of action, with "witty" remarks after various fights, and some horrible, 5th-grade level plot writing. Goldmine. A lot of these types of movies bend the laws of physics to make the stunts more exciting. This movie, however, takes physics and kicks it in the balls.
So now, for my own amusement, and to give you an idea of just how ridiculous this movie is, I will review the stuff in this movie that is implausible, and the stuff that kicks physics in the balls.
IMPLAUSIBLE:
First and foremost, a prison in space. Why in the HELL would we spend butt-loads of money to build, operate, and transport prisoners to this prison? The movie feebly tries to explain this by saying that they are actually using the prisoners to experiment on them to learn more about the possibility of deep-space travel. I appreciate the effort, but not really convincing me that it is worth it. Next, the prison has a very formidable EXTERNAL defense system, consisting of automatic gun turrets that fire at approaching ships. I have no idea why they installed it. Seems quite unnecessary for a prison in space to guard from threats coming from outside the prison... in space. Meanwhile, they appear to have no defense system at all inside the prison, since all the prisoners are kept in "stasis," which appears to be similar to cryogenically freezing. Third, is that while the prison is in space, apparently it is not kept in a stable orbit, because when the pilot or whatever of the prison dies, it immediately begins falling out of space, conveniently heading for the eastern seaboard instead of the 75% of the earth covered by water.
My favorite part, however, is the 25th Amendment that is invoked in this movie. Here's the setup: the space prison is falling out of space towards Manhattan, and the military brass wants to blow it to pieces before it gets there. The President is understandably not on board with this because it would kill his daughter. Who's going to win out? Will the President kill his daughter (and some worthless criminals) to potentially save thousands of lives on Earth? Well, luckily we don't have to wonder too long because the military guy immediately invokes the 25th Amendment, which states: if the President's decision making ability is impaired for personal reasons, then the decision may be made by the nearest asshole... or something like that... pending the approval of Congress. I have to say, I am SHOCKED that the 25th Amendment was ratified. What were we thinking?
KICKING PHYSICS IN THE BALLS:
First off, I'm just going to ignore the whole "gravity generator" thing, because even though I don't think it's possible to generate gravity, it is set in the future and a lot of science fiction movies set in space don't even acknowledge the fact that all the actors are walking around on spaceships even though there should be no gravity. At least, I would ignore it if it stopped there. But no, it doesn't, because our hero, Snow, en route to completing his mission, must cross over this gravity generator with a Last Crusade style leap of faith. You see, for inexplicable reasons, there is no gravity directly above said gravity generator, and this will allow our hero to cross safely. And, once again, I would have given it a begrudging pass if it had stopped there. But it didn't. Oh no. You see, because when the gravity generator stops working... there is gravity. In space. What the shit?
And the no-gravity in space misunderstanding doesn't stop there. The biggest kick to the genitalia of science comes near the end of the movie when our hero and lovely lady escape from space prison by simply jumping out of it, where they should float safely away, it being space and all. Except in this space instead of floating our heroes plummet straight towards the surface of the earth, sky diving from what appears to be hundreds of miles above the surface of the earth. Because, apparently you can do that.
Well, that's all folks. I hope you enjoyed it. Pat is crazy.
