Santa's Vinyl Vault

Ho ho ho, everybody! Today is a special edition of the vinyl vault! This being Christmas Eve and all, I've randomly selected one of the handful of Christmas albums I have to listen to. This year it's the most popular Christmas album of all-time, Elvis' Christmas album!

Release date: October 15, 1957 (RCA Camden reissue: November 1970)
Singles: Santa Claus is Back in Town, Blue Christmas, Mama Liked the Roses

Ranking the #1 Songs - 1959

The first full year of the Billboard Hot 100 chart was 1959. Let's take a look at all of the songs to reach #1 in that year:

The contenders:

The Chipmunk Song	The Chipmunks With David Seville
Smoke Gets In Your Eyes	The Platters
Stagger Lee	Lloyd Price
Venus	Frankie Avalon
Come Softly To Me	The Fleetwoods
The Happy Organ	Dave 'Baby' Cortez
Kansas City	Wilbert Harrison
The Battle Of New Orleans	Johnny Horton
Lonely Boy	Paul Anka
A Big Hunk O' Love	Elvis Presley With The Jordanaires
The Three Bells	The Browns
Sleep Walk	Santo & Johnny
Mack The Knife	Bobby Darin
Mr. Blue	The Fleetwoods
Heartaches By The Number	Guy Mitchell

The year started with the previous year's Christmas hit, the "Chipmunk Song." Since we looked at it last time, we'll disqualify it for this year. The biggest hit of 1959 was Bobby Darin's "Mack the Knife," which spent a total of 9 weeks at number 1. It's a fun song, but I never quite understood all the love it gets. Some other notable songs are the Platters' "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes," Lloyd Price's "Stagger Lee," and "Kansas City" by Wilbert Harrison, which I first heard on my way to Kansas City with the PIC crew.

Best song: Come Softly To Me

There were a few strong contenders for best song, including "Sleep Walk" by Santo & Johnny, the aforementioned "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes" and "Stagger Lee," but I have to give it to the Fleetwoods' "Come Softly To Me." To me, it has a timeless sound.



Worst song: The Battle of New Orleans

This was a much easier choice. I don't even know what to say about "The Battle of New Orleans" by Johnny Horton. I (very briefly) tried to find a reason this song not only went to #1, but stayed there for six (6!) weeks (maybe a movie?), but came up empty.

Oakland's Vinyl Vault - Rush

Work has finally gotten less busy, so it's time once again to reach into the vault. The randomizer once again spit out an appropriate album for the occasion: it's Rush, with their self-titled debut album.

Release date: March 1, 1974
Singles: Finding My Way, In the Mood

Ranking the #1 Songs

Since August of 1958, Billboard has been coming out with its "Hot 100," a chart that attempts to determine what the most popular song in the US is at the time. Many songs have made it to #1 over the years. Most of these are because they're good songs with widespread appeal, but as we'll see, there are plenty of bad songs, too.

I have decided to listen to every #1 song in history, and hold a tournament. At one end, I will give my favorite song, and on the other, my least favorite. What will be crowned the best song in history? What will be the worst song to make it to the top of the charts?

I'll first break it down year by year, and then decade by decade. I'll start at the beginning, 1958. Since the chart started in August, I'll have fewer songs to judge this time around.

Here are the contenders (in chronological order of when they first topped the charts):

Poor Little Fool - Ricky Nelson
Nel Blu Dipinto Di Blu (Volare) - Domenico Modugno
Little Star - The Elegants
It's All In The Game - Tommy Edwards
 It's Only Make Believe - Conway Twitty
Tom Dooley - The Kingston Trio
To Know Him, Is To Love Him - The Teddy Bears
The Chipmunk Song - The Chipmunks With David Seville

The first ever song to top the charts was Ricky Nelson's "Poor Little Fool." "Poor Little Fool" spent two weeks at number one before it was knocked off by "Nel Blu Dipinto di Blu (Volare)" by Domenico Modugno, an Italian song that would ultimately spend 5 weeks at #1. The only song to spend more time at #1 was Tommy Edwards' "It's All in the Game," which went 6 straight weeks as the top song in the country. The year ended with "The Chipmunk Song," at #1, which has become a Christmas classic.

The Best:

While "It's All in the Game" is a great song, listening to it today, it sounds dated. That is not the case with "Volare," and for that reason, I have to go with it for best song of 1958.



The Worst:

This one was a little trickier. None of the songs are bad, per se, but a few are rather dated. "The Chipmunk Song" is a novelty song, but it also spent 4 weeks at the top (including January 1959), and continues to be played at Christmas time to this day. "Little Star" is basically putting a rock beat behind the lullaby "Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star," and "To Know Him, Is to Love Him" is just kind of boring. In the end, I think I'm going to go with "Little Star" for its lack of creativity.

Squids Fantasy Roundup - Week 13

With the fantasy season ending soon, these last couple of weeks are critical (unless you're wallowing in last place, like me. Fucking bullshit fantasy league.) So what happened last week?

Last week was, of course, Thanksgiving so I had a nice 4 day weekend in which to relax, eat, and watch football. At least, that would have been the case had it not been for the fact that I moved to a new place on Saturday (just across town, nothing exciting). So Saturday was not exactly relaxing, but the move went fairly smoothly thanks to all the help we got from family and friend, and everything was set up enough by Sunday to enjoy the morning football games. And then (one of) the reason(s) for the move showed up: three kittens. You see, my girlfriend has wanted to get a cat for a while now (and I did too, but don't tell anyone). Her mom works at a boat harbor, and there are stray cats that they for some reason feed and take care of at the harbor. One of these harbor cats had 3 kittens a couple months ago. Now, our place did not allow pets, but our lease was ending, and so we decided that we (my girlfriend and I) would adopt 1, maybe 2 of the 3 kittens and move to a new place. Unfortunately, they were all so goddamn cute that we somehow ended up taking all 3. I now live in a madhouse. The only respite is when they're all napping, which since they are cats, is pretty much all the time. So, actually, it's not that bad.

Anyway, the highest scoring player for last week was former Minnesota Golden Gopher Eric Decker! Skiiiiiii-Uuuuuuuuuu-Mahhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Our fellow alum (is he still an alum if he didn't graduate? I don't think he did) is on Crazy Pat's team, but even the man who made Adam Weber look like a competent college quarterback (and the all-time leader in passing yards and passing TDs in Gopher history, Jesus) couldn't stop the Joe-U-ggernaut. Crazy Pat lost by nearly 40 points to Joe U. What the shit.

Current Projected Winner: Joe U

Sharks by Number

We wrap up our Sharks by Number series with the seldom used 50-99 range. There are a few big names mixed in with the short term call-ups who didn't stick around long enough to get a normal number.

#51 - Brian Campbell

The Sharks picked up Campbell as a rental for the playoffs in the spring of 2008. Campbell recorded 1 goal and 6 assists in 13 playoff games that year. It was not enough.

Sharks by Number

Ok, we're now to our second to last edition of Sharks by Number. This time, we take a look at the 40's, which, as you can imagine, are not exactly popular numbers in hockey. Fortunately, they're not all duds. Let's take a look:

#41 - Tom Pederson

The rest: Ryan Kraft, Douglas Murray, Jed Ortmeyer

Easily taking the #41 title is Tom Pederson, a defenseman who played for the Sharks in the early and mid-90's. He only played over 70 games in one season, so I'm going to go ahead and assume he was somewhat of a borderline NHL player

Squids Fantasy Roundup - Weeks 10, 11, and 12

As I've mentioned before, I've been quite busy over the past couple of weeks with work. Every week I've been traveling down to Southern California, and coming back home to the real California (might do a post on that later) for the weekends. As such, I haven't really had time to follow fantasy football or make stupid posts about how much my team sucks (this has not been a good season for any Oakland football team, fantasy or otherwise).

But before I begin: a monumental very short story. On one of my many flights to/from Orange County, something amazing happened. Something that I had been dreaming about for years. At baggage claim, my bag was THE VERY FIRST ONE TO COME OUT. I never thought it would happen to me. I was rock hard the entire drive back to my apartment.

Anyway, what's been happening with the Squids fantasy league? In week 10, the league's highest scoring player was Tavon Austin, who remains unowned. The week's second highest scoring player was Drew Brees, and he led Team Joey to victory. In week 11, the top scorer was somebody named Bobby Rainey. I have never heard of this player. He is unowned. The week's second highest scorer was some rapist (alleged) named Roethlisberger. That may not be spelled right. He is also unowned. The week's third highest scorer was Calvin Johnson, who played in a losing effort for Drew's team. In week 12, the high water mark was set by Josh Gordon, who led Team Joe U to a win. So it was three weeks of unusual top scorers.

Current projected winner: Joe U

Oakland's Vinyl Vault - Harvest

Hello again, friend. I've been at trial in Southern California for the past two weeks and haven't had any time to post (the courthouse doesn't have free wifi, which is total bullshit. What are my taxes even paying for?) Being away from home also means that I'm away from my records, so I haven't really listened to any in a while. Luckily, the randomizer spit out an album that I'm very familiar with, so I really didn't have to listen to it to review it (though of course I did). The Vinyl Vault returns with Neil Young's Harvest.

Release date: February 14, 1972
Singles: Heart of Gold, Old Man

Top 5 Signs You Lived at the Schnoz

5. You know what "the Schnoz" is.

4. You've made your own foosball table legs (and learned that foosball table legs are shorter than you'd think)

3. You know that "A-bar" stands for "after bar"

2. You've heard of the band White Witch

1. The summer of 2009 is one glorious blur

Sharks by Number

Here is the fourth installment of Sharks By Numbers. Now into the 30's, where we finish up with the goaltenders and get a few surprises.

#31 - Antti Niemi

The rest: Wade Flaherty, Steve Shields, Nolan Schaefer

Another all-goalie number, #31 has been taken over by the current Sharks netminder, Antti Niemi. Niemi won the Stanley Cup with Chicago, and was rewarded by Chicago letting him go. The Sharks picked him up, and he has been one of the top goalies in the league over the past couple years.

Squids Fantasy Roundup - Week 9

Good news everyone! I sort of watched some of the games this week. I mean, I didn't watch a full game or anything, but did occasionally see a TV that had football on it. That counts right? Luckily for me, I am in Orange County for work again this week, and even though this is former Raiders territory, they did not show the Raiders-Eagles game so I was spared having to watch that debacle.

 

Speaking of the Raiders-Eagles game, this weeks high scorer was of course Eagles QB Nick Foles, who threw for 400 yards and 7 TDs. Foles, however, is unowned in our little 8-team league, so the highest scoring owned player was a wide receiver by the name of Johnson. Andre Johnson, to be exact. Andre Johnson helped Joey's team cruise to a win this week.

 

Current Projected Winner: Drew

 

Oakland's Vinyl Vault - Against the Wind

"Just take those old records off the shelf/I'll sit and listen to them by myself." Wise words from this week's artist, Bob Seger. Crazy Pat's uncle's look-alike gets us going this week with Against The Wind.

Release Date: February 25, 1980
Singles: Fire Lake, Against The Wind, You'll Accomp'ny Me, The Horizontal Bop, Her Strut

Sharks by Number

Here is the third segment of Sharks By Number. This time we cover #21-30. For Sharks fans, there are a few stars and a few "remember that guy?"s. For non-Sharks fans, it's going to be a couple people you might have heard of, and a bunch of nobodies. Sorry.

#21 - Tony Granato

The rest: Craig Coxe, Peter Ahola, Dave Brown, Jim Fahey, Alexei Semenov, Scott Nichol, TJ Galiardi

We start with the former Colorado Avalanche head coach, Tony Granato. Granato played for the Sharks during the late '90s. Mostly a third and fourth line guy while on the Sharks, Granato is the only player in San Jose history to win the Bill Masterton trophy.

Squids Fantasy Roundup - Weeks 7 & 8

Apologies for the delay between posts. I'm sure that you missed me terribly. Unfortunately I have been rather busy with work due to the fact that we are gearing up for a trial down in Orange County. I won't give you all the details of the lawsuit, because it's pretty boring, but let's just say that it's a good example of how the justice system, like everything else, favors the wealthy. You see, my firm represents a large company from Taiwan, and they are in a dispute with a small company from Southern California. The small company, let's call them GoldfishCo, has basically went belly up as a result of a product recall that is at the center of this lawsuit. As such, they are running out of money. How do we know this? For starters, they are down to 1, maybe 2 employees. But here's the really enlightening part: They hired an expert to testify on their behalf in the case. Then, they took that expert off of the witness list. My firm suspected that they did this because the expert said things that were harmful to their case, and so we deposed him to find out what his opinions were. During this deposition, we discovered the real reason he was no longer serving as their expert: they didn't have enough money to pay him. So, yeah, they're not really playing with a full deck. Hooray, justice!

Now on to the football!

Once again, I didn't watch one minute of football, this time due to the fact that all day Sunday I was driving a Uhaul full of documents down to Orange County. Thankfully, to be successful at fantasy football, you aren't required to watch any of the games. Week 7's highest scoring player was Andrew Luck. Continuing our season-long trend, Luck sat on the bench for Team Crazy Pat. That was good news for me, as I was playing said Insane Patrick (I won). I didn't have time to look at the projections, but that's okay because it's pretty much bullshit anyway.

This week, week 8, I actually did watch football! And my beloved Raiders won! Suck it, Pittsburgh! This week also featured un-owned fantasy nobody Marvin Jones scoring 4 TDs and over 100 yards receiving. I only mention this so that you appreciate this next statement: the weeks high scorer was Calvin Johnson. Megatron only scored one touchdown. And he lost a fumble. And he STILL outscored Marvin Jones. Johnson also bucked the trend and led Drew's team to a win and the week's high team score.

Current projected winner: Some asshole (who I beat this week)

Apocalypse Dreams

The End is Near

United States Representative Michele Bachmann (R - Minnesota - 6th District Elk River, Saint Cloud, Woodbury) said earlier this month that now is the time for rejoicing as the signs point the end times are upon us.

And listen to Ron Paul, who was recently on king kook Alex Jones' popular radio program. Paul, whose son Rand is an influential Senator and serious 2016 contender for the Republican nomination, gave his best estimate for when the United States will collapse.  Two years was Paul the Elder's prediction.

Senator Ted Cruz (R - Texas) having his fun partially shutting down the federal government, I would say is of the mindset that an economic calamity needs to be sped along to advance an even further right-wing drift for the country - and to increase his mailing list.

Now, color me pat is crazy, but these silly people are right to say there are some signs things are breaking down.  If you really chose to look, the signs of entropy are everywhere.  Of course, ObamaCare, which is a plan to the right of that Trotskyite Bob Dole's 1996 health care proposal, has nothing to do with our impeding doom as a nation.

Oakland's Vinyl Vault - Brain Salad Surgery

It's time once again to reach into the vault. With the press of a button, the gears of the randomizer spin, and out pops Brain Salad Surgery, by Emerson, Lake & Palmer.

Release date: November 19, 1973
Singles: Jerusalem

Sharks By Number

Part 2 of the series. A lot of big names in this one, so let's get going:

#11 - Owen Nolan

The rest: Kelly Kisio, Yvon Corriveau, Gaetan Duchesne, Marcel Goc

No player better embodies the turn of the millennium Sharks teams than their captain, Owen Nolan. Nolan was the face of the franchise, and it was a clear changing of the guard when he was traded to the Toronto Maple Leafs in 2003. Many Sharks fans consider Nolan the greatest captain in Sharks history. Another notable #11 for the Sharks was the first #11, Kelly Kisio. Kisio played for the Sharks in their first two seasons, was a point-per-game player on an otherwise terrible team, and represented the Sharks in the 1993 All-Star game.

Squids Fantasy Roundup - Week 6

I actually watched some of the games this week! Let's get down to business:

This week's top scorer was Cam Newton. Cam Newton is on the Ecuadorian national team, aka Emily's team. You may recall that Emily also had last week's top performer, Tony Romo. You also may recall that last week she sat Tony Romo, and played Cam Newton. Well, in a cruel twist of fate, this week she played Tony Romo and sat Cam Newton. And she lost. Fantasy footballin' ain't easy, folks.

In other news, last week I was visited by my dear friend Joe U. Highlights of the trip included shooting pumpkins out of a cannon, some bitch getting stuck on a ropes course, and Joe buying Lynyrd Skynyrd's Street Survivors only to realize that it might be bad luck to fly on a plane shortly after buying an album that was released three days before the band was in a plane crash. The biggest highlight though: a cab driver "giving" Joe U a package of Boboli flatbread that was originally intended for his son.

Current projected winner: Some asshole.

Sharks by Number

Now that baseball season is officially over, my attention can now safely by turned to hockey (until April, when the Sharks disappoint once again in the playoffs. Oh what a cruel cycle being an A's/Sharks fan has been in the last decade-plus!)

In sports, a player often becomes synonymous with their jersey number, so one of the things I like about the beginning of the season is seeing what numbers new players on the team are going to wear. Will any Sharks player dare to wear 11? What about 18? That led me to think: if you had to assign one player in franchise history to each number, who would it be? Some numbers are obvious, but others don't exactly have a rich history. Thanks to the Sharks being a young franchise (younger than me!), it was fairly quick to find out all the players who had worn each number. Over the next few weeks, I'll go through number by number, 1-99. To remove any bias (or thinking) on my part, I'll simply list the player who has played the most games for the Sharks while wearing that number. I'll then point out other notable players to have worn that number in teal.

First up: numbers 1-10.


#1 - Thomas Greiss

The rest: Brian Hayward

Number 1 is the traditional number for goalies to wear, and, indeed, all of the players to wear this number were goalies. What is surprising, however, is the fact that there have only been 2 players (Brian Hayward was the other one) to wear #1 in Sharks history, and Greiss takes the top spot with only 45 games played.  All the other Sharks goalies have preferred numbers in the 30s, which for some reason has become the go-to number range for goalies in the NHL.

Squids Fantasy Roundup - Weeks 4 and 5!

Ok, let's do this stupid shit real quick. First, since I wasn't able to do this last week, let's recap week 4. The top scorer of the week was Drew Brees, and for the first time all season, was part of a winning effort as Joey's team walloped my team. Curses. The fact that I lost may also have something to do with the fact that I played week 4's lowest scoring player, Stevie Johnson, who managed to pile up an astounding -0.1 points. Double curses.

The projections after week 4 looked like this:

Now onto week 5:

The high scorer this week was Tony "Fucking" Romo with 41.94 points. It probably would have helped our Ecuadorian friend Cannon Emily if she had started Mr. Romo. But alas, Romo sat on the bench, and we get back to our routine of the high scorer losing. The second highest scorer was once again Peyton Manning, who helped my team beat the aforementioned Ms. Cannon Emily. In case you are wondering, yes, Emily would have won if she had started Romo, but can you blame her? It is, after all, Tony Romo.

In other fantasy football news, fuck the Detroit Tigers.

Projected Winner: Still Crazy Pat. The projections finally seem to be leveling off, and it has anointed Crazy Pat as the champion. Which is horseshit.

Oakland's Vinyl Vault - This Is Johnny Cash

Hello again, gang! Sorry for the lack of posts recently, but it's been a crazy couple of weeks for me. Anyway, this time the randomizer has spit out a rare compilation album: it's This is Johnny Cash.

Release date: 1969
Singles: N/A

Squids fantasy roundup - Week 3

Sorry for the late post, gang. I know all of you were probably very upset that it was not posted on time!

Week 3 of the fantasy season is now in the books. I had a busy weekend, and thus did not watch a single game. I missed the Thursday game because the NFL does not want me to see Thursday games, otherwise they wouldn't air it on some obscure network that I don't get. It also doesn't help that the Thursday games are typically the least interesting matchup possible. Kansas City and Philadelphia! Yippee!

I missed all the Sunday day games because I had to go into work all day Sunday. Which sucks, but hey, I'm at work now and doing this, so fair is fair, I guess. The Sunday night game, which is typically the week's marquee matchup, was a bit of a stinker (seriously, the Steelers suck. I do not want to watch Ben Rapeeverythingandeatlotsofburgers and company play. Ever.) so I watched the Emmy's instead. I maintain that I made the right choice there.

I missed Monday's game because I was, once again, working. You see, I was in the OC (don't call it that) for work. We were having a mock trial (without J. Reinhold). Watching jurors deliberate from a secret room did not give me much faith in the justice system.

Now on to the football!

This week's highest scorer was Drew Brees. Brees sat on the bench and watched as Joey's team got blown by Crazy Pat.* The curse of the high scoring player lives on!

Several owned players put up a big goose egg on the score board this week. Most of them were injured and sat out the whole game. Two of them, Jermichael Finley and Daryl Richardson, were injured early in the game. Only one played the whole game and still did nothing: Hakeem Nicks. Nicks is on my team. I lost.

*EDIT: Oops! I forgot to say "away" again!

Current Projected Winner: Crazy Pat!

Squids Fantasy Roundup - Week 2

We've now reached the end of week 2, and I've already run out of ideas on what to put here. It's going to be a long season, folks. I might not make it to the end.

Week 2 featured some more football games, I guess. The top fantasy scorer this week was Aaron Rodgers, who discount double-checked Pat's team to a loss to Drew. Having the top scorer in our league may be a curse.

The big game of week 2 was, of course, the hot Manning-on-Manning action that took place on Sunday afternoon. My girlfriend, whose love of watching Peyton Manning play football is only eclipsed by her love of the New York Giants, was very excited to watch this game. Unfortunately, the game was on as the same time as that oh so exciting Raiders/Jaguars game. Since we live in the SF Bay Area, we got the Raiders game. I was happy. She, less so.

My girlfriend was apparently not the only one who was not happy about the NFL-mandated TV coverage. A bunch of old Jews that retired to Florida from New York complained about not being able to see the game (I'm assuming), prompting the Orlando CBS affiliate to scroll this message across the screen:

"In accordance with NFL policy, WKMG must carry all Jacksonville Jaguars away games. We apologize for any inconvenience."

Needless to say, we went to a bar so that we could watch both games.

Projected Winner: Don'tMessWithSebas (hey, that's me!)

Every Football Teams' Salaries by Position

It's now the middle of September, and the NFL season is underway.  A little while ago, I came across this post from the Guardian, which has broken down all the salaries of NFL teams by position, and presented them graphically. It's a neat little tool, and I encourage you to go check it out.

Here's what it looks like, using tonight's Steelers/Bengals matchup.

The bigger the circles, the more money the team is spending at that position. Above, you can see that the Bengals defense is making a whole lot more money than the Steelers offense. That Steeler O-line should ask the Bengals D-line to buy them dinner as they feebly attempt to stop them from crushing Roethlisberger.

Some other, Pat Is Crazy relevant tidbits:

*The Raiders are the Houston Astros of the NFL. They're spending by far the lowest on both offense and defense (but are spending the 3rd most on special teams! Go Sebas!). And that's not even accounting for the fact that their second highest paid offensive player, Matt Flynn, is the 2nd or 3rd string QB, depending on who you ask.

*This chart is based off of what players on the current roster are making, and not on what the teams are actually spending this season. I know this because Darrius Heyward-Bey's salary shows up for the Colts, when in fact I'm pretty sure that the Raiders are the ones who are paying him.

*The Vikings have the 4th highest paid defense and the 2nd highest paid team overall. Guess you can't buy success in the NFL.

There is a Crack in Everything

Good morning Vietnam, I was perusing some of these here recent posts on the Pat is Crazy interweb site and a post about the Daily Kos by Oakland, our resident Cultural Critic and Vinyl Vault Reviewer, has provoked me to write a bit more on the topic.  There is actually a connection to the P.I.C. logo up there at the top of your screen: notice the Howard Dean sign being held.  Daily Kos was a platform used early on in the Dean campaign - one which I frequently read. 

Now, Daily Kos was one of the early blogs, back when they were cool and talked about by the hip folk - before blog was a word in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary.  It was back when people didn't have a twitter or a facebook profile, or instagram or whatever the kids use today.  There was still a good number of people who relied on dial-up connections and the NSA probably only tracked and stored most of what you read and watched on the world wide web.  It was wild era.

I was living in the town of Peculiar, Missouri ("Where the Odds are with you") back in those days, organizing my peers against the war and soon there after to support the candidacy of a Doctor from Vermont named Howard Dean.  It was 2003 and this Dean dude was talking about some pretty rad things, you know?  Like, why are all these Democrats supporting the policies of George W. Bush (remember that guy?), why are they supporting a war of aggression in the Middle East, tax cuts designed for the wealthiest elite of the ruling class?  Why are these Democrats supporting anti-gay marriage amendments?  He was saying the Democratic leadership was corrupt.

Oakland's Vinyl Vault - Morrison Hotel

It's time to reach into the vault again! Today, we're going to book a room at the Morrison Hotel, by the Doors.

Release Date: February 9, 1970

Singles: You Make Me Real

Squids Fantasy Roundup - Week 1

The first week of the fantasy season is over!  Let's see how everyone did.

Peyton Manning had a record-tying 7 TD passes, so if you had Peyton or a Denver WR on your team, you probably won.* But did you win?

*Unless that Denver WR's name was Eric Decker. So damn Gopher-y

First, let's look at Peyton. Peyton Manning is on my team! Huzzah, I must have won!

Nope. I lost. Big time. That is because I am a half-wit, and put Manning on my bench. D'oh. (I don't know what's worse: the fact that I had Peyton on the bench, or the fact that I would have lost even if I had started Peyton. God I suck.)

What about Demaryius Thomas, Denver's top receiver?

Thomas is on Joe U's team. Joe U's team also lost, thanks to impressive amounts of suck by Rainn Russell Wilson and Brandon Pettigrew. Pettigrew scored fewer points than I did this weekend. So, 0/2.

Finally, we get to Wes Welker. Surely he led his team to victory! Welker is on Joeeeeeeeeey's team. And... they actually won! So that's 1/3 for the Denver stars. (If you're curious, Crazy Pat's team, who Decker plays for, also won. Nothing makes sense).

To recap:

Week 1's highest scoring player, Peyton Manning, sat on my bench, but would have been part of a losing effort even if he had played.

Week 1's lowest scoring player was David Wilson, who was on Drew's bench. But the second lowest scoring player, Pettigrew, led Joe U's team to a glorious defeat.

Fun!

Current Projected winner: Sex Gostkowski.

The Case of the AT&T Park Bullpens

As we enter the final month of the baseball season, the A's are battling for a division title, while across the bay the Giants are just waiting to see how high their draft pick is going to be. Back when the two teams faced off in late May, they had near identical records.

During one of the games in Oakland, professional blowhard Jon Heyman bemoaned the fact that he had to watch the game in the sewage-filled Oakland Coliseum, when just a few miles away pristine AT&T Park sat empty. This offended some of the A's fans and players, and prompted A's reliever Sean Doolittle to bring up a popular local urban legend: the reason the Giants' bullpens are on the field is because they forgot about them when they were building the stadium. This remark then caused Giants blogger extraordinaire, Grant Brisbee, to respond with this piece, which claims that the Giants did not in fact forget, and that they purposely put the bullpens on the field to give it an old-timey charm. After all, Wrigley's bullpens are on the field too! He then cites a some Giants officials giving this story, because clearly they would be impartial and tell you they fucked up if they did.

Let's compare Wrigley and AT&T.

First, here's AT&T:

The bullpens are down the lines, with basically no room between the foul line and the mound.

Now here's Wrigley:

As you can see, the bullpens are also down the lines, but there is a little more room between the mound and foul line. In fact, there's enough room that the relievers can actually sit in the bullpen.

In AT&T, however, the relievers sit in the dugout with the rest of the team, and have to walk from the dugout to the bullpen to warmup. Just like I did in little league (although I was the catcher more than the pitcher. Insert gay joke here). To my knowledge, it is the only park where that is the case.

One of the 1000+ comments on the post mentions that the original plans showed the jumbotron in right field with the bullpens off the field, in center and left. The bullpens were then moved to the field when they decided to move the jumbotron to center field. The problem with moving the bullpens onto the field is that there really isn't enough room for them. I imagine that when they decided to move the jumbotron, the bullpens were relocated to the field not to give the stadium an old-timey feel, but because they really didn't fit anywhere else. And while technically the mounds fit on the sidelines, it is clearly not a good place for them. There's a reason why no other new ballpark has the bullpen on the field.* They look like an afterthought, and I suspect they were.

So did they forget the bullpens when they were building AT&T Park? No, I doubt it. But I can see why you'd think that.

*A few geniuses pointed out that the Oakland Coliseum also features on the field bullpens, but come on. With its ample foul territory, the Coliseum is the ONLY ballpark where it actually makes sense to put them there. I mean, just look at it.

Most foul balls hit to the bullpen mounds are uncatchable because it's too far of a run.

Oakland's Vinyl Vault - Quadrophenia

The randomizer's love of Simon & Garfunkel has been well documented, so it was no surprise that last time it spit out the pair's swan song, Bridge Over Troubled Water. But here's some insider information: the next album the randomizer had queued up was yet another Paul Simon work. When a situation like that arises, I usually go record shopping, so that I can reshuffle the deck (so that the new albums are not just at the end of the list) and avoid listening to back to back albums from the same artist. I did that. And now I can confirm with relative certainty: the randomizer is fucking with me. No, it's not Paul Simon. It's the Who. Again. With a rock opera. Again. It's Quadrophenia.

Release date: October 19, 1973
Singles: 5.15; Love, Reign O'er Me; The Real Me

Live* Blog: 1998 NFC Championship Game

*Thanks, YouTube and a blatant disregard for fair use laws.

We all have a most heartbreaking moment growing up, and if you were a Vikings fan this was that moment. This was the year of Randy Moss, Cris Carter, and former retiree Randall Cunningham. The word juggernaut is overused today, but this team was the biggest juggernaut in NFL history. The went 15-1 with their only loss coming to the Buccaneers in a 27-24 nailbiter in Tampa. This was a Buccaneers team they beat 31-7 earlier in the year. The Vikes rode the explosive tandem of retired veteran Cunningham and pothead rookie Randy Moss, who only fell to the Vikings at 21st in the draft due to "behavioral problems" in college. Cunningham tossed 37 touchdowns that year, Moss caught half of those, and Robert Smith even had a nice 1,000 yard season. This team took the town by storm, the local top 40 station even butchered popular Will Smith hit "Miami" in support of the Purple and Gold.



But you probably know the story, they trounced the Cardinals in the divisional round and met the Falcons in Minneapolis. So, put a Heggie's in the oven, grab a Nordeast and let's watch the 1998 NFC Championship game!

*Note: I highly suggest you watch the first half of the game with the YouTube video that is divided into sections. You will see commercials from 1998 that seem completely out of place for this time.

"...One final step towards Super Bowl XXXIII" - Pat Summerall

Just let that voice set in for a moment...

So, they start with an enthralling prelude by FOX Sports here, as they ask us which team will have more fire in their eyes they set the eyes of John Randle on fire(in the video). This fades into "Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel, which just gets me all riled up for some football!

This is a Summerall-Madden commentator pairing calling this game. This is going to be full of useful insights from Summerall and hours of jabbering by the freight train that is Madden. After some incoherent rambling, he gets to a point relevant to this game, the keys of the game for each team to win. And he says the same exact thing for both squads: "They will have to run the ball, stop the run, and control the ball." What can you even say in response to this?

And we get some of those sweet commercials. At Burger King you can get 2 tasty cheeseburgers and 2 orders of fries for only $2.22, AND they still have the old "burger in bun" Burger King logo. 1998 never tasted so good.

Out for the coin flip now, the Falcons get to call the toss and Jesse Tuggle holds up a sign that reads "HEADS". This is a reference to an earlier game on Thanksgiving when Jerome Bettis called tails in the air. and the referee said the call was heads. That call ended in disaster for the overtime flip in a heated game on national TV. The Falcons probably made the right choice to clarify.

15:00 1st - Let's watch some footbawwwwwww!

The Falcons start off with the ball and slowly trudge down the field and pick up every damn 3rd down conversion. Madden keeps talking and talking and talking. There will be a Maddenisms section at the end. There will be too many good ones to pepper in throughout the live* blog. With that said, Pat Summerall is the best in the business because he finds a way to still deliver the important information in the game around Madden's stories. The Falcons find a way to convert on 3rd down again, this time on a TD pass from Chandler to Anderson. Anderson goes into the famed Dirty Bird, which wasn't really that cool. It's just everyone flapping their arms around.  As we go to commercial, the cameramen grab a great angle of Chris Chandler's bald spot.

More commercials, this game is worth watching just to see the commercials.

8:21 1st: After a long first possession by the Falcons, we come back and Madden and Summerall lead in by pandering the local host audience talking about how they can respect the Minnesotans for enjoying the cold and snow. We love you for it!

So many faces you remember again: Cunningham, Smith, Moss, Carter, Korey Stringer (respect), Jake Reed,  Randall McDaniel, Matthew Hatchette... The Vikings unleash their strategy early: toss it deep to Moss and he'll either catch it or draw a penalty. After a quick Interference penalty, they get the ball at the Falcon's 30. Another quick toss to Moss and the Vikes tie it up at 7 as Moss exhibits exquisite footwork at the end line. Madden proceeds to play with his telestrator to show how the feet got down.

5:21 1st: We see our first injury of the game Vikings defender, Ed McDaniel. This was caused by a fluke bounce of the foot off the Metrodome turf. This play just reminds us all how bad the Metrodome is at hosting any sporting event. As terrible a host as it was for every sporting event, it will be a little sad to see it torn down.

The Falcons proceed to march down into Vikings territory only to be stymied by Harold Green tripping over his own legs and fumbling the ball. The Vikings recover and Madden goes on and on about the ground not being able to cause a fumble. Green was never touched, so of course he isn't down when he hits the ground. Madden comes back from the commercial and continues to tell us all about how the ground can't cause a fumble. Summerall is clearly tired of it and shortly proclaims: "Well, it is. And the Vikings have the ball!" is his best crotchety old man voice.  He is just a bit scared of directly correcting Madden on this one.

9:50 2nd: We get our first appearance by Gary Anderson and his one-bar helmet. This man made every field goal he attempted this season. The Vikings would be lucky to have the game fall on his shoulders. He makes this one easy, to put the Vikings up 10-7. The Falcons take the kick and proceed to fumble another one into the hands of the Vikings, this time on their own 30. They waste little time and capitalize on a QB sneak as Randall Cunningham leaps over the pile, making it 17-7.

Madden goes back to the fumble caused by the ground. It was explained to him that the ball carrier was never downed so the ground jarring the ball loose just turned it into a very poor lateral. Good lord, I'm glad we're all back up to speed.

As we wind down the first half, Gary Anderson boots another field goal and the Falcons score a TD on an untimely Vikings fumble and we wind up 20-17. We see Anderson and Berger warming up their legs into the practice net on the Vikings last drive of the half. It's almost like they are setting the stage for an epic moment this whole time.

Halftime: So far, the Vikings seem to have solid control over the momentum of this game. The Falcons had quick strikes at the beginning of the half and off a turnover at the end of the half. Even though they were aided by the recovery of two turnovers of their own, the Vikings have just been shoving the ball down the Falcons throat. The Vikings could still win this game 400-24.

Obligatory 3rd quarter comment: These hats that were "cool" in the 1990's did not stand the test of time. I hope vintage trends just skip this entirely.

15:00 4th: Almost nothing of note has happened in the third, but the Vikings are driving with the same 20-17 lead they held at the half. About a minute into the 4th, Cunningham finds Matthew Hatchette in the end zone to put the Vikings up 27-17. This is just Minnesota's game to lose at this point.

12:36 4th: The Falcons show signs of life with a lightning in a bottle play from Chandler to Moore on a deep route down to the Vikings 10 yard line. The Falcons settle for a field goal, but they have a pulse. The Falcons get a quick stop and the ball back at the 50. When you think about it, everybody in Minnesota knew they were going to blow this game. This team was far too good to provide anything other than utter heartbreak.

8:55 4th: Falcons have a quick possession and are forced to punt. The punt lands at about the 1 and is then bobbled around by about 14 Falcons before falling into the end zone for a touchback. Before you know it, Cunningham and center Jeff Christy botch the snap and the Falcons have the ball at the Vikings 30, down 7.

7:23 4th: The Falcons run the reverse to Tim Dwight for at least the third time today, producing similar results as the previous attempts. I've never understood the reverse that well. Yes, it works *sometimes* but you cede about 15 yards to set it up and the defenders in today's NFL aren't the refrigerator deliverymen of yesteryear. They have the ability to catch up to the speedy white guy.

6:11 4th: 4th and 4 at the 30 and the Falcons go for it. Everybody and their mother questions the decision and they proceed to turn the ball over to the Vikings. It would have been the prudent decision to take the field goal try, take the points Dan.

4:32 4th Mike Tice reference. This man would later resort to such extremes like scalping tickets to the Super Bowl to void his contract and free himself of the Vikings organization.

3:43 4th: Atlanta calls timeout on a Minnesota 3rd and 1 at the Atlanta 28, already looking to save some clock for their next possession. Before the snap, Dan Reeves runs on to the field and tries to call a second consecutive timeout. It turns out you can't call consecutive timeouts between snaps. The play is halted, but quizzically no penalty is called for the coach running onto the field. The Vikings proceed to pick up the first down.

2:29 4th: The camera finds noted ear-biting victim Evander Holyfield which entices John Madden to go into a long tirade about warriors and Art Shell. It was difficult to follow.

2:11 4th: This is the one moment you remember from this game. This is the kick that would seal it up for the Vikings to put them up 2 scores with 2 minutes to play. You know it will be a big kick when they show the graphic with the kicker, holder, and snapper listed out. Gary Anderson, the man who was perfect all season, hadn't missed a kick since 1997, stepped up with a chip shot to all but clinch the game for Minnesota. Madden and Summerall had the call:

Summerall - "Anderson hasn't missed  in two years"
Madden - "That's a pretty good bet that if you think Anderson would make this field goal (ball snap), that answer would probably (kick) be yes."
Summerall - "39 yards away and it's not good!"



 1:45 4th: The Falcons have quickly moved down to the Vikings 30 with plenty of time to tie this one up. Madden shows the audience how the Falcons are tearing apart the zone defense right now with his magic yellow marker. This was a rare moment of usefulness from Madden as any Vikings fan from the era would tell you just how awful the Vikings zone defense was. It was atrocious.

0:57 4th: Robert Griffith almost tracks down a tipped ball in the end zone. This was the second near-pick for the Vikings this drive. I'm not saying that everything had to go right for the Falcons in this game, but everything definitely went wrong for the Vikings when it counted. On the very next play, the Falcons put it in the end zone to effectively tie the game. There was a lot of forced drama on the extra point as Morten Andersen made the kick, but had to re-kick after an encroachment penalty. After the penalty, Andersen asked to change the football out for the kick. The decision proves to pay off and as all extra points do, this one split the uprights.

0:49 4th: This is where Denny Green famously calls the kneel out into overtime. After watching this again, I have no idea why fans question the play calling here. They take two shots down the field and almost get a strike to Moss deep in Falcons territory. You can't take another shot and stop the clock for the Falcons with a fresh set of downs and 25 seconds left to work with. The knee was the right decision but the audience roundly booed Green and the Vikings as time ran out in regulation.

Oooooooooovertiiiiiiiiiime!:

15:00 OT: Vikings win the toss and rightfully go berserk. There has to be a better way to handle the overtime in the NFL. Winning the toss is such a gross advantage to place on a coin flip. I can understand determining the winner of an all star game by coin flip, but not overtime possession of an NFL Championship!

14:10 OT: Lineman David Dixon gets his chance to try his hand at running back as he picks up a Randall Cunningham fumble, he appears to fumble at the conclusion of the play, but luckily the ground caused this fumble and he was ruled down by contact which gives Madden another chance to discuss the rules about the ground causing a fumble. Dixon's tryout at RB may not have wowed the coaches, but it's always fun to watch a big guy rumble down the field with the ball.

9:57 OT: Whenever I look at Chris Chandler's head I think to myself "Man, I hope I bald from the front and not the back, or even better not at all!" This overtime doesn't have a lot of notable football action so far. The Falcons get flagged for an illegal formation on a punt for not having enough players on the line of scrimmage. John Madden proceeds to dissect this one with his magic markers on the telestrator. He counts the players on the line for us multiple times from multiple angles and we all reach the same conclusion every time. Thank goodness for that telestrator.

8:38 OT: Here's a deep shot from Cunningham to Moss and Eugene Robinson barely makes it back for coverage. That one looked like 6 until the last second too... Vikings punt, Falcons ball deep inside their own territory.

6:30 OT: Jamal Anderson, who has had a quiet day outside of the touchdown grab, pushes the Falcons across midfield. Mathis snags a pass from Chandler for another first. Chandler scrambles to the 30. Anderson carries again, this time down to the 23. By this time, you know what's going to happen. The crowd absolutely dies between plays, gathering their voices for each snap, but they know, they know.

3:15 OT: Morten Anderson steps onto the field and we all know this one is going to split the uprights. From 39 yards out, Morten Anderson wins this one for the Atlanta Falcons, 30-27.

I would write a game summary here, but this was already so much more than I planned to write about this game. There were a few fun references that we all probably forgot about: Bettis calls "tails", that stupid Dirty Bird, the Moss-Carter-Reed triple threat., and the battle of the Anderso(e)ns. There is likely another, much deeper story about the epic battle between veteran kickers and lifetime rivals Morten Andersen and Gary Anderson, but I'm sure that story has been written elsewhere.

Before we leave today, let's review some of the more memorable quotes from John Madden from the game:

(as the kickoff ensues) " This is what it's all about right here, woo!"

"(Unintelligible).. oh gah ah! Don't be so stupid! ...(unitelligible)"

"Look at Tuggle here, BOOM! MMMM WHACK! Now here's Steussie, BOOM!"

"You know who's doing a good job in Minnesota? Mike Tice. He's got a sign in his office that says: Asking a stupid question is better than fixing a stupid mistake."

"People say you can't, but I'll guarantee you that you can smell a Super Bowl!"

"Overtime means true sudden death, they play until someone wins the game, when you get to a championship game there are no ties."

"Here's where field position is so important: The Vikings don't want the Falcons to advance the ball further, but the Falcons want to drive the ball down the field."

Join us next week at Patiscrazy when we watch the 2005 Gophers-Badgers fiasco!

Squids Fantasy Roundup - The Draft

It's almost fall, and you know what that means: it's fantasy football season! (I am being told that it coincides with real-life football season). And since we here at Pat Is Crazy have our thumb on the pulse* of everything that is cool, we have our own fantasy league! But, since we're not very popular, it only has 8 members. Should make for some high scoring games!

*It sounds strangely like my own pulse. Guess I'm, like, da bomb!

This weekend was our draft. I probably should have written that down, because I forgot all about it. Luckily, a good samaritan (whose name I substitute in for "you" in all songs), reminded me about it, and I got there with only half of my team drafted already!

Now, I won't rehash the draft here, or attempt to grade it, or anything silly like that, because Yahoo! is way ahead of me. This year, they've got these fancy auto-produced recaps of the draft (they had them last year for all the games, but I don't recall them having one for the draft) that grades how everyone did. Of course, it's a little stupid, because it is all based on their projections, which is also what their rankings are based on, so basically it will give you a good grade if you autodraft. Unless your name is Landon, I guess.

I only read my own review, because I only care about myself. My favorite line:

"The GM of Don'tMessWithSebas must have had to leave their draft party early. After tallying the most projected points in the league over the draft's first half, they racked up the fewest during the second half." 

You'll recall that I in fact skipped the first half, and showed up for the second. D'oh.

Current Projected Winner: Resident Drunk

Oakland's Vinyl Vault - Bridge Over Troubled Water

The randomizer is at it again. Sometimes, you just have to give it what it wants. And what it wants this week: Bridge Over Troubled Water, by Simon and Garfunkel.

Release date: January 26, 1970
Singles: The Boxer, Bridge Over Troubled Water, Cecilia, El Condor Pasa (If I Could)

The Problem with Daily Kos

I've really tried to like Daily Kos. But I just can't do it. And here's why:

It's too unprofessional.

I just can't take it seriously. And that's unfortunate, because I feel like as the largest and most well known progressive blog on the internet, it has a responsibility to represent the progressive movement in a positive light. But when it refers to the "tea-party" members as "teabaggers" (because haha, they like putting balls in their mouths), takes cheap pot-shots at conservatives, and substitutes the Republican Party logo for this:

it lowers the level of credibility of the site. It makes Daily Kos look no better or more trustworthy than any of the nutjob right-wing blogs out there making up stories about how Obama is putting together death panels to kill your grandma. And frankly, as the leading progressive blog on the internet, it makes all progressives look bad.

If ESPN routinely referred to Alex Rodriguez as "A-Roid" or "A-Fraud" (so original!), would you take it seriously as a source for sports news? I sure wouldn't.

Oakland's Vinyl Vault - Tommy

Today we head to the opera! Don't worry if you don't have any ornate, gilded binoculars-on-a-stick, because they won't be needed for this opera. You see, this is a rock opera. In fact, it is the first rock opera ever made! It's Tommy, by the Who.

Release date: May 23, 1969
Singles: Pinball Wizard; Go to the Mirror!; I'm Free; Christmas; See Me, Feel Me

A Quick Link

Today, over at Deadspin, they have a story about a woman who got drunk at the Royals/Twins game and went into the fountains beyond the outfield fence.

Any guesses where this lovely lady is from?

Iowa. What the fuck is wrong with people from Iowa?

I'm assuming she was having anonymous sex with a fellow Iowan in the bathroom right before heading into the fountain.

Missed Opportunities

Today at my office, there was german chocolate cake. I overheard somebody comment: "There aren't any coconuts in Germany!" It took all my will power not to cut in with something on the lines of: "Maybe a swallow carried it there." Alas, I know it would have been met with strange looks, and crickets.

UPDATED: The D2: The Mighty Ducks Rollerblading Sequence, Analyzed

Above is the rollerblading sequence in the classic hockey film, D2: The Mighty Ducks. To most, this scene represents a fun way of showing the squad of lovable characters from the first film all getting back together. But for Twin Citizens, it is a baffling display of rollerblading endurance. You see, the places they go are not all that close together.

So follow me, as I follow Charlie Conway and the rest of the crew on an epic rollerblading trip around the Twin Cities metro area!

Oakland's Vinyl Vault - Deja Vu

Another week, another album. I'm now getting a sense for the randomizer's taste in music. It is decidedly in favor of folk rock. I've mentioned its preference for Simon and Garfunkel before, but I overlooked the other signs. The Band, Buffalo Springfield, CSN(Y), and Mumford and Sons have all had their turns despite their relative scarcity in the Vault. So it should be no surprise today, then, that the randomizer has gone into the Vault and returned with some familiar faces. Four, to be precise: Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young. It's Deja Vu, in more ways than one.

Release date: March 11, 1970
Singles: Woodstock, Teach Your Children, Our House, Carry On

Oakland's Vinyl Vault - Sigh No More

The second week in a row where I actually publish something! We're on a roll, baby! But don't get too excited, it's still the same old shit. Anyway, this week the ol' randomizer spit out something you kids these days may actually have heard of: it's Sigh No More, by Mumford & Sons.

Release date: October 2, 2009
Singles: Little Lion Man, Winter Winds, The Cave, Roll Away Your Stone

Oakland's Vinyl Vault - The Cars

It's time again to reach back into the vinyl vault! Today we take a break from Simon & Garfunkel, and hit the road with the debut, self-titled album from The Cars!

Release date: June 6, 1978
Singles: Just What I Needed, My Best Friend's Girl, Good Times Roll

Development, Un-Arrested: A Season 4 Review

As you may or may not know, I am a huge Arrested Development fan.  I own and have watched each of the first three seasons numerous times.  I've even watched episodes with the cast/crew commentary on.  Yes, I am that person.  So when it was announced that the show was returning for a new season on Netflix, I was excited.  I tried to temper my expectations.  Surely they would not be able to recreate the magic of its original run.  I read the articles with quotes from cast members talking about it, praising the script, I grew cautiously optimistic.

Well, the day has finally come and gone, and here are my thoughts, episode by episode.  If you haven't watched them yet, you may not want to read on as, while I am not recanting the plot of each episode, I am also not making any effort to avoid "spoilers."

Robinson Cano Is the Miami Marlins of Coherent Statements

Some of you out there may be aware that yesterday my beloved A's absolutely dominated* the universally despised Yankees for 18 innings of baseball.  What I want to talk about is something Robinson Cano said after the game.  Apparently, early in the game** A's future Hall of Famer Derrick Norris accused Cano of stealing signs while he was at second base.  Cano did not like this and yelled at the potential Nobel Physics Prize winner.  When asked what all the yelling was about after the game, Cano said this:

"It was the catcher talking. He said that I was giving signs. When he first said something, he came to the mound and had his mask on. And then after that, they struck out Vernon [Wells] and I said, 'Throw the ball over the plate,' you know what I mean?"

I just want to focus on that last sentence: "And then after that, they struck out Vernon [Wells] and I said, 'Throw the ball over the plate,' you know what I mean?" No, Robinson, I don't know what you mean. I could not even guess at what you mean. If anybody out there can enlighten me (Joe U?), please do.

*I also considered crushed or annihilated.

**13th inning

This Day In History

Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher Dock Ellis threw a no-hitter against the San Diego Padres.  Oh by the way, he was under the influence of LSD.  Here is the box score of the game.

Ellis walked 8 batters, beaned 1, and struck out 6.  There were no double plays turned behind him.  He also allowed three stolen bases.  At the plate, he struck out twice and grounded out to shortstop.

Here is a lovely little video made by some people using the audio from an interview Dock did about the game.

Oakland's Vinyl Vault - Bookends

Well, the uproar over the absence of the Vault can cease.  It's back, so let's get right to it.  Today we look at Bookends, by Simon and Garfunkel

Release date: April 3, 1968
Singles: A Hazy Shade of Winter, At the Zoo, Fakin' It, Mrs. Robinson

So for all of those wondering, I'll explain the longer than usual hiatus of the Vault: it's too in love with Paul Simon.  You see, every time I buy new albums, I reshuffle the list.  Now, after the last entry, Paul Simon's Graceland, I bought some new vinyl, and I re-randomized.  Well, much to my astonishment, the randomizer spit out yet another Simon effort, this one.  Now, normally that wouldn't be a problem, though Simon has been well represented already (you may remember the inaugural episode was Simon and Garfunkel's Sounds of Silence, which looking back now is a quite a cheeky choice for the randomizer to make
). But, the NEXT album on the list was another Simon and Garfunkel album.  That was too much.  So I decided that I would hold off on writing this until I went and bought some new albums so that I could reshuffle the deck and hopefully get some fresh blood in there.  Unfortunately I've been a little busy and it took longer than I thought to get a chance to go to the old record store. So, I've finally reshuffled.  And I did get something from a band we haven't heard yet.  Aaaand the one on the list after that is another Paul Simon album.  Damn Simon loving randomizer!  Anyway, let's get on with it!

This is by far my favorite cover of all the Simon and Garfunkel albums, which isn't saying much because the other ones are god awful.  Like, some of the worst examples of photography I've ever seen.  The "Chicago" album covers are better.  So we're off to a good start before we even get the album out of the sleeve.

Once on the turn table, it sounds like it will live up to the great cover.  "Save the Life of My Child" is a nice number, and "America" has long been one of my favorite Simon and Garfunkel songs.  But then we run into "Voices of Old People."  Why, oh why couldn't somebody talk them out of putting "Voices of Old People" on this album.  It is exactly what it sounds like.  To quote the back cover: "Art Garfunkel recorded old people in various locations in New York and Los Angeles over a period of several months."  And then they picked out the best cuts, I guess, and just threw them all together.  The result is an incoherent jumble of mumbling, barely coherent, flow killing suck-hole that pretty much undoes all the good that the rest of the songs on the A side of the album did.  It makes me not want to listen to Bookends.  Which is really a shame because the rest of the album is quite good.  The back side is fantastic.

Rating: Three wrinkled thumbs up - If you can figure out how to program your turntable to skip "Voices of Old People," I highly recommend doing it.  Fucking old people.

Now here's "America."  Fuck yeah.

Trivial Annoyance of the Day

Can everybody please stop spelling the word "well" with a P?  It annoys me to no end.  "Welp" is not a word.  I hate everybody who has ever typed the word "welp." Fucking internet.

(And yes, I know it's supposed to be from Dumb and Dumber, but I've seen that movie plenty of times and NEVER thought that Jim Carrey was saying anything other than "well."  There is no "P" sound at the end.  I guarantee you the script uses the word "well.")

Star Trek Into an Inexplicably Precise Point of Darkness

I recently went to see the new Star Trek movie, and although it was a generally entertaining movie, one thing about it really bothered me: the coordinate system used.  In the film, a key plot point is when Kirk is given a set of coordinates: (23, 17, 46, 11).  Notice anything strange about those coordinates?

Here are my thoughts:

1.  Why in the hell are there 4 numbers?

Space is, of course, three dimensional, and therefore it would make sense to map it using 3 coordinates.  So what's up with that fourth number?  What does it stand for?  After much thought, I concluded that the fourth number could plausibly be the number of the "sector."  Space being very large, it makes sense to break it up into sectors to make the mapping more manageable.  I can accept this.  But it brings me to my next point.

2.  Why in the hell are the numbers so small?

What units are these numbers in?  I'd imagine that the area (volume?) described by such a set of numbers would be enormous.  I guess it could just be describing a point near the origin ((0, 0, 0, 11) or whatever).  Seems unlikely.

Mapping space is hard.  Things are moving all the time.  Orbits and whatnot.  I would think it would be best to set your reference points to relatively stationary objects such as stars, and not planets.  And that the location of planets would be kept in some sort of guide that would list the coordinates of the planets at various times.

In the movie, by the way, the location ends up being a moon of Jupiter.  Wouldn't it have been much simpler to just say that? "Why don't you see what's happening near Europa?"

KAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answers from Oakland

Today, I'm going to try out a new segment I like to call "Answers from Oakland."  Since nobody actually reads this site, I can't answer emails sent to me from readers like other sites do.  So what I will be doing is looking through questions people have in the place where only crazy people (like Pat) and mouth-breathers (like me) would ever look for answers:  Yahoo! Answers.  Let's see how it goes:

Francine:

Would 9 stone be too thin for me?
I currently weigh 11st 7lb- 11 stone 10lb, I'm 5"7 and a UK size 10/12. I exercise a lot. I am slim for my weight and am told I look less than what I weigh, like around 9 and a half stone. I really want to get down to 9 stone, but I find it hard to loose weight past 10 and a half stone. My weight tends to want to stay at a certain weight.
I think 9 stone is a nice weight to be at but I feel stupid because I weigh so much. My BMI says that 9st is healthy. I exercise a lot and I don't see my weight go down much ever. I don't even build much muscle. Would 9 stone be too light for me? I don't mind getting down to 11 stone for now, that's my current goal then I'd like to get down to 10 stone. I look thin at 10 and a half stone. I want to look what I weight and BMI gets me down.

First of all, this is America (yes, the whole internet is located in America.  We invented it, assholes!), so I have no fucking idea what a "stone" is.  Now, if I were a crazy person I could probably find out by asking people on Yahoo! Answers.  But instead I'll just google it like a properly functioning human being.  Ok, so a stone is 14 pounds.  What a god-awful unit of measurement.

Second, the sentence structure and overall level of coherency is about what I would expect for people posting on Yahoo! Answers.  Now, to answer your question, 9 stone 126 pounds would not be too thin for you.  However, since people already think you are 126 pounds, the best solution is just to lie and say that you are.  And throw out your scale and stop worrying about how much you weigh.  When it comes to body image, the only thing that matters is how you feel about how you look.  If you are comfortable with how you look, stop fucking weighing yourself and you won't worry about how much you weigh.  Seriously.  Before I bought a scale, I had no clue how much I weighed.  Then I noticed that my pants were getting tighter and thought I should start dieting and bought a scale so that I could track my progress.  Now I am obsessed with how much I weigh.  I weigh myself every time I step into my bathroom, and for a while I literally made an excel spreadsheet so that I could chart my weight over time and figure out patterns (like do I consistently weigh the most on Wednesdays?) and shit like that.  Never buy a scale.

Robert:

Question from a man to a woman about the vagina!!!!?
This sounds like a terrible thing to say, i totally have respect for this woman, but she was "loose" down there. She had a rep for getting around. My penis size is like 5 inches hard in length, i know thats in the average area, and about 4.3/4.4 inches in girth/circumference when hard, so a little thin i guess...But my question is, could a woman be "loose" like that to where just an average sized guy wouldnt really do much for them? I dont think she felt much of me is why im asking. It was my first time, i laid there when she was on top and thrusted some, so i didnt do a ton. But would this be because of my size, or because she was a bit larger down there? Thanks!!
ps... i know its how its used... im just curious if im a decent/average size, and maybe she was bigger than normal down there? is that possible? and i know i've asked... i keep getting different crazy answers lol. thanks!

You had sex with a prostitute, didn't you?

Germanicus:

Do you agree with liberals/progressives that homosexuality is good for the environment?

 Great question!  It is a common fallacy that homosexual couples are good for the environment.  The Liberal Media would like you to believe that homosexuals are helping the environment by not buying as much clothing as their heterosexual counterparts.  They can do this because homosexuals have a  47% chance to wear the same size and type of clothing as their partner, while heterosexuals have a 0% chance of this.  This allows homosexuals to share their wardrobes with their partners, thus decreasing the total number of clothes they buy.  They also help the environment by being 69% more likely to drive a Prius.

But that's not the whole story!  While it is true that a gay couple on average buys less clothing than a straight couple, their clothing contains 9000% more environmentally harmful materials such as glitter and sequins.

Ok, that's all for now.  I probably will never do this again.  Unless I do.

Pat is crazy!

Oakland's Vinyl Vault - Graceland

Sorry for the long delay between posts, kids, but I promise to try to be better about it in the near future (not that anyone but me cares).  Anyway, right now I'm once again reaching into the ol' Vault!  And the winner is... Graceland, by Paul Simon.

Release Date: August 12, 1986
Singles: You Can Call Me Al, Graceland, The Boy in the Bubble, Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes

What do you do if you're a once legendary singer/songwriter and your career looks like it's heading for years of tours singing the same 12 songs over and over?  You get your ass on a plane to a country with an oppressive government and work with local musicians to make a goddamn hit album named after the home of a celebrity!  At least, that's what Paul Simon did, and it certainly worked for him.

Graceland is a fun album that mixes pop-rock music with South African music.  The result is surprisingly good, and solidified Simon's reputation as one of the great songwriters of his generation.  The album is highlighted by the lead single, "You Can Call Me Al," but for me it is songs like "I Know What I Know," "Homeless," and "Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes" that separate this album from its peers.  Listening to it today, it does not sound like it was made in the heart of the '80s, which is obviously a huge plus.

Rating: 5 hip shakes - I have no idea what this album has to do with Elvis or Graceland, but I do know that I enjoy listening to it and I'd recommend anybody out there to give it a spin.

And now, here's the official music video for "You Can Call Me Al."  God, I love music videos from the '80s.



Pat is crazy.