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Holy shit. Baseball starts on Monday (I don't care about the Yankees/Red Sox game on Sunday). That means it's time for me to post my predictions, so everyone can look back and see how right I was about everything.

So, we'll start with the NL, which I know pretty much nothing about, since the AL is all that really matters.

NL West

1. Dodgers - the Dodgers were far and away the best team in the West - and the entire NL for most of the year - last year, and there is no reason to think they won't win it again. Their pitching is meh, but their competition in the West is even meh-er, and they still have the best hitting.

2. Rockies - I never know what the Rockies are going to do. It's so hard for me to imagine them not being terrible, but there's no question that in the last two years they've been a decent team. I think most of the credit belongs to the humidor. Look for Huston Street to struggle this year.

3. Giants - The Giants are the one NL team I actually know something about, seeing as I have to deal with Giants fans all the damn time in Oakland. Although, I must admit, I've gotten to like them a lot more since Balco, er, Barry Bonds left the team. Lincecum and Cain are absolute studs, and I like Brian Wilson closing out games. It's too bad their offense is terrible.

4. D-backs - Whoever thought to change the name to D-backs is a D-bag. Haren will continue to be one of the best pitchers in the league, and if Webb can regain his Cy Young-form the D-backs could surprise some people. However, like the Giants, they don't have much offense and will struggle this year.

5. Padres - It's a good thing nobody cares about sports in San Diego, because this team should be terrible.

NL Central

1. Cardinals - As we move East, I know less and less about NL teams. But I do know that the Cardinals are still the best in this shitty, shitty division. There isn't a team in either Central division that I think has a legitimate chance of winning the World Series, but the Cardinals are the closest (sorry, Twins fans).

2. Brewers - I don't know, I guess some people think they'll have a good year. I'm guessing they still won't make the playoffs.

3. Cubs - Nothing ever goes right for the Cubs, and even on paper I don't think they have enough to win.

4. Reds - The only prediction I have is that Ardolis Chapman will be up with the team before the end of the year.

5. Astros - I was barely aware this team still existed. They get about as much coverage as the A's.

6. Pirates - Well, at least they have a sweet ballpark.

NL East

1. Phillies - The Phillies were smart to get rid of Lee and get Halladay. Big upgrade, in my opinion, as Lee looks to be having some health problems in Seattle. Probably all the rain. Anyway, the Phillies are still the team to beat in the NL.

2. Braves - Everybody is jerking off to Jason Heyward's potential. I really don't know much about the Braves. Is Tim Hudson still on the team?

3. Marlins - I predict a lot of highlights showing homeruns being hit in their stadium into empty seats.

4. Mets - The Mets are terrible. But they have the players to be a good team. I think.

5. Nationals - The highlight of the year will be Obama throwing out the first pitch on Opening Day. It's all downhill from there.

AL West

1. Athletics - Now here's a team I know something about! The AL West looks to be the most competitive division in baseball, and it could really finish in any order. That being the case, why would I not think the A's would end up on top? Everybody is saying that Moneyball is dead, but that's because they're idiots and don't understand what Moneyball really is. Moneyball is alive and kicking, and it's all about speed and defense now. The A's will steal bases this year like Rickey has come out of retirement and rejoined the team. Rajai Davis and Coco Crisp will both have 50+ stolen bases on the year. The A's should be able to manufacture enough runs that way to win some ballgames for a pitching staff that is definitely the strength of the team. Not many people know about them, but trust me, these guys can pitch. Ben Sheets is the only big name on the staff, but don't expect him to be the best pitcher on the staff. That should be either Duchscherer (aka the Duke) or Brett Anderson. Dallas Braden was solid last year, but is a bit of a question mark since he can no longer feel all of his toes, but the A's will have either Cahill or Gio Gonzalez (whichever one is not named the 5th starter) waiting in the wings. The bullpen should again be one of the best in the league, led by all-star closer Andrew Bailey.

2. Angels - Man, I hate the Angels. The Angels may have lost Lackey and Figgins, but they never go away easily. Expect them to contend again this year, despite the projections saying they won't.

3. Mariners - The Mariners seem to be a lot of people's dark horse pick this year, but all these people clearly did not watch the Mariners last year (and who could blame them? You have to stay up sooooo late to watch baseball games played on the West Coast!) The Mariners offense is disgustingly bad, and Figgins will not single-handedly change that. They have the best top two starters in the league in Felix Hernandez and Cliff Lee, but the rest of the rotation is suspect at best. The bullpen is also suspect. Also, I think Cliff Lee will not be as dominant as he was in the past and may spend some time on the DL to boot.

4. Rangers - The Rangers are another team that people think got a lot better, but believe me. Their pitching will not hold up. Their offense will be good. It's the Rangers. It happens every year.

AL Central

1. Twins - This division sucks, but the Twins are clearly the best team in the division. If they can get even decent pitching out of their no-talent rotation, they should win the division easily.

2. Tigers - The Tigers are the only team that has potential to beat the Twins for the division.

3. Royals - Zach Greinke is awesome. Joakim Soria is awesome. The rest of the Royals, not so much. If anybody can get this pitching staff to produce though, it's Jason Kendall. You just have to put up with his awful batting, which the Royals should have no problem doing since they let Yuni play everyday. No matter what happens, Joe Posnanski will write awesome and hilarious articles about it. That much I know for certain.

4. White Sox - The White Sox are definitely going downhill.

5. Indians - Racists.

AL East

Watch ESPN for you AL East coverage.

Pat is Crazy.