Answers from Oakland

Today, I'm going to try out a new segment I like to call "Answers from Oakland."  Since nobody actually reads this site, I can't answer emails sent to me from readers like other sites do.  So what I will be doing is looking through questions people have in the place where only crazy people (like Pat) and mouth-breathers (like me) would ever look for answers:  Yahoo! Answers.  Let's see how it goes:

Francine:

Would 9 stone be too thin for me?
I currently weigh 11st 7lb- 11 stone 10lb, I'm 5"7 and a UK size 10/12. I exercise a lot. I am slim for my weight and am told I look less than what I weigh, like around 9 and a half stone. I really want to get down to 9 stone, but I find it hard to loose weight past 10 and a half stone. My weight tends to want to stay at a certain weight.
I think 9 stone is a nice weight to be at but I feel stupid because I weigh so much. My BMI says that 9st is healthy. I exercise a lot and I don't see my weight go down much ever. I don't even build much muscle. Would 9 stone be too light for me? I don't mind getting down to 11 stone for now, that's my current goal then I'd like to get down to 10 stone. I look thin at 10 and a half stone. I want to look what I weight and BMI gets me down.

First of all, this is America (yes, the whole internet is located in America.  We invented it, assholes!), so I have no fucking idea what a "stone" is.  Now, if I were a crazy person I could probably find out by asking people on Yahoo! Answers.  But instead I'll just google it like a properly functioning human being.  Ok, so a stone is 14 pounds.  What a god-awful unit of measurement.

Second, the sentence structure and overall level of coherency is about what I would expect for people posting on Yahoo! Answers.  Now, to answer your question, 9 stone 126 pounds would not be too thin for you.  However, since people already think you are 126 pounds, the best solution is just to lie and say that you are.  And throw out your scale and stop worrying about how much you weigh.  When it comes to body image, the only thing that matters is how you feel about how you look.  If you are comfortable with how you look, stop fucking weighing yourself and you won't worry about how much you weigh.  Seriously.  Before I bought a scale, I had no clue how much I weighed.  Then I noticed that my pants were getting tighter and thought I should start dieting and bought a scale so that I could track my progress.  Now I am obsessed with how much I weigh.  I weigh myself every time I step into my bathroom, and for a while I literally made an excel spreadsheet so that I could chart my weight over time and figure out patterns (like do I consistently weigh the most on Wednesdays?) and shit like that.  Never buy a scale.

Robert:

Question from a man to a woman about the vagina!!!!?
This sounds like a terrible thing to say, i totally have respect for this woman, but she was "loose" down there. She had a rep for getting around. My penis size is like 5 inches hard in length, i know thats in the average area, and about 4.3/4.4 inches in girth/circumference when hard, so a little thin i guess...But my question is, could a woman be "loose" like that to where just an average sized guy wouldnt really do much for them? I dont think she felt much of me is why im asking. It was my first time, i laid there when she was on top and thrusted some, so i didnt do a ton. But would this be because of my size, or because she was a bit larger down there? Thanks!!
ps... i know its how its used... im just curious if im a decent/average size, and maybe she was bigger than normal down there? is that possible? and i know i've asked... i keep getting different crazy answers lol. thanks!

You had sex with a prostitute, didn't you?

Germanicus:

Do you agree with liberals/progressives that homosexuality is good for the environment?

 Great question!  It is a common fallacy that homosexual couples are good for the environment.  The Liberal Media would like you to believe that homosexuals are helping the environment by not buying as much clothing as their heterosexual counterparts.  They can do this because homosexuals have a  47% chance to wear the same size and type of clothing as their partner, while heterosexuals have a 0% chance of this.  This allows homosexuals to share their wardrobes with their partners, thus decreasing the total number of clothes they buy.  They also help the environment by being 69% more likely to drive a Prius.

But that's not the whole story!  While it is true that a gay couple on average buys less clothing than a straight couple, their clothing contains 9000% more environmentally harmful materials such as glitter and sequins.

Ok, that's all for now.  I probably will never do this again.  Unless I do.

Pat is crazy!

Oakland's Vinyl Vault - Graceland

Sorry for the long delay between posts, kids, but I promise to try to be better about it in the near future (not that anyone but me cares).  Anyway, right now I'm once again reaching into the ol' Vault!  And the winner is... Graceland, by Paul Simon.

Release Date: August 12, 1986
Singles: You Can Call Me Al, Graceland, The Boy in the Bubble, Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes

What do you do if you're a once legendary singer/songwriter and your career looks like it's heading for years of tours singing the same 12 songs over and over?  You get your ass on a plane to a country with an oppressive government and work with local musicians to make a goddamn hit album named after the home of a celebrity!  At least, that's what Paul Simon did, and it certainly worked for him.

Graceland is a fun album that mixes pop-rock music with South African music.  The result is surprisingly good, and solidified Simon's reputation as one of the great songwriters of his generation.  The album is highlighted by the lead single, "You Can Call Me Al," but for me it is songs like "I Know What I Know," "Homeless," and "Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes" that separate this album from its peers.  Listening to it today, it does not sound like it was made in the heart of the '80s, which is obviously a huge plus.

Rating: 5 hip shakes - I have no idea what this album has to do with Elvis or Graceland, but I do know that I enjoy listening to it and I'd recommend anybody out there to give it a spin.

And now, here's the official music video for "You Can Call Me Al."  God, I love music videos from the '80s.



Pat is crazy.