One day I was out camping in the woods of Minnesota. As is tradition on camping trips everywhere, I had been drinking. Stumbling through the woods looking for a place to relieve myself, I came to a clearing. Suddenly I heard a fierce growling coming from the long grass. There a saw a leopard crouched and ready to pounce. From the left I saw movement and when I turned, a mighty lion did I behold. The breaking of a branch behind me alerted me to a giant she-wolf approaching, cutting off my retreat to camp.
"What the shit?" I muttered to myself, "was there a breakout at the zoo or something?" I could no longer tell whether I was urinating from the pressure on my bladder or the terror in my heart. Without zipping up, I fought the urge to run and slowly backed away from the three beasts. As I turned to run in the only direction left open to me, a root grabbed my foot and I fell to the ground. When I looked up I beheld a sight even more unbelievable than the previous three.
"Help me Obi-wan Kenobi, you're my only hope!" I blurted out, not knowing what else to say.
"Relax, son. Fear not, the beasts will not hurt you, but you cannot go back to camp that way. You must follow me down through the depths of the earth. It is the only way." And with that he led me through the dark and tangled woods, away from the three vicious animals.
"All hope abandon, ye who enter in!" read the sign above the gate to which Old Ben had led me. "Are you sure this is the right way, master?" I asked.
"Trust your instincts," he replied, "or better yet, trust mine." Thus we entered into that horrible place that only a handful of living souls have ever seen: Hell.
On the other side of the gate I beheld a vast crowd of people. All of them were facing a giant white flag, and appeared to be saluting. "Who are these people, and what are they doing?" I asked the old jedi.
"In life, these people were neither good nor bad. They had no causes that drove them, and so now, they must salute this flag every day. The rest of the day, they pretty much just sit around and play Xbox," replied Obi-wan as we walked through the crowd. At length, we arrived on the shore of a great river. "This is Acheron, the river that divides Hell proper from this outer region."
And so I stood at the edge of hell, not knowing what lay ahead, but not able to turn back. I trusted that my guide, the old jedi Obi-wan Kenobi, would lead me through safely, just as he had led Luke safely to Alderaan (it wasn't his fault that it had been blown up when they arrived). Tune in next time to find out what happened next!
Pat is crazy.
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