The Tim Horton Era Begins

The Tim Horton Era begins at home versus Penn State. Let's do this thing!

Here we go! I woke up a little late, so there's only 12 minutes left in the 1st quarter. I assume we went 3 and out in our first Horton possession.

-The announcer just told me that we probably aren't going to see a lot of dancing today. This is good, since I am watching a football game.

-The Gophers make no attempt to play defense. No surprise there. 7-0 Penn State.

-When the hell did Ryan "Fucking" Collado start returning kicks? I wonder when he's going to start actually covering receivers.

-First sign that Brewster is gone: we just passed on 1st down. Holy shit.

-Apparently Marqueis Gray knows what the "Diva Receiver" mentality is. And this will make him a better QB somehow. Also, Weber just slid a yard short of the first down. Boy, is he a great, veteran QB!

-TD Gophers!!! I love Tim Horton!!! "Finally something for this Gopher program to cheer about." This may be a bit dramatic. Because I cheered the fuck out of that 1st down a couple minutes ago.

-They're discussing potential candidates for the next head coach. The sideline reporter chick says that Horton is a candidate because somebody in the stands has a "Hire Horton" sign. Pretty sure that's a joke, honey.

-End of the 1st quarter. The score is 7-7. I love Tim Horton.

-Pass to Gray on the sideline, and that gives us our first "Special Forces" mat sighting. I'm so glad Horton kept that thing.

-Announcer: "Royster dances by one tackler." Thought we weren't going to see any dancing, guy. What the shit?

-Weber just got over 10,000 yards for his Gopher career. I can't wait to tell my grandkids that I got to watch the great that undeserving piece of shit Adam Weber. 2,748 of those 10,000 passing yards went to Eric Decker. Just, wow.

-Weber just threw an interception. Sounds about right.

-And Penn State scores on the next play. Gophers down 21-7. And Horton hears a boo.

-Ryan "Fucking" Collado makes the interception. Man, that was a terrible pass.

-It's 4th down and 2. Horton lets the clock run down for like 20 seconds before calling a time out. Joe U jokes that they should give the ball to Hoese since he has never lost a yard. The announcers immediately say the same thing, only they are not joking.

-And we don't make it. Damn. Should have given it to Hoese. I hear he's never lost a yard before.

-The announcers just say that some Gophers player has a "rare missed tackle" on a play. Clearly, this man has never watched a Gopher football game before.

-I just learned that I've been mis-pronouncing Jeff Horton's name. I've been calling him Tim. Oops.

-And it's halftime. All in all, not a bad start so far for Jeff "Tim" Horton.

-Interview with Joe Paterno. He says that his injured quarterback is having some trouble remembering things. I'm guessing Joe Pa knows what that's like. Chick reporter asks if the QB was hit in the head, Joe answers (paraphrasing) "I don't know, I wasn't watching. Get off my lawn!" Ok, maybe not that last part. But I do like that Joe Pa doesn't actually watch what's going on in the game.

-Gophers come out and score on the opening drive of the second half. I don't think that ever happened in the Tim Brewster era. Point, Horton.

-Royster breaks a big run. Announcer: "That was a great job by the quarterback." I shit you not.

-Penn State kicks a 49-yd field goal. Cut to some lost old man wandering aimlessly on the sideline.


-End of the 3rd quarter. It's 24-14 Penn State.

-False start on Penn State. Announcer: "Everybody's pointing." He then giggles like a school girl. I don't think this man has ever watched a football game, because that is what happens after every false start ever.

-More dancing, this time from Penn State backup running back Silas Redd. I wish they would just get back to playing football. Side note: how bad-ass is the name Silas?

-1st sack of the game results in a safety against the Gophers. The announcers comment that the Gophers only have 3 sacks on the season. But remember, we played powerhouses like South Dakota, Northwestern, Purdue, and Middle Tennessee State. So it's not as bad as it sounds.

-The Gophers put up a meaningless touchdown. Horton hears a woo.

-Announcer: "This isn't soccer where you flop and stuff like that. This is big boy stuff." Yeah! Fuck those field fairies! Soccer is for pussies!

-Game over. Final score: 33-21, Penn State. Pretty much what I expected. The defense looked horrible as usual, but the offense at least didn't just go for the time of possession victory like Brewster would have. So, I'm pretty happy with the job ol' Jeff "Tim" Horton did today.

-Post game interview:
Chick Reporter: "What happened to Kevin Newsome, is he ok?"
Joe Pa: "Who?"

Awesome. Pat is Crazy.