Ovechkin is Lonely

Alexander Ovechkin may be a hockey super star, but he is still a sad, lonely man. This video proves it:




What a loser.

Joe Thornton Can't Butter Toast

This is it. It is hockey season. To celebrate the season opener of my favorite team, the San Jose Sharks, here are a couple of videos.

Let's Get Crazy

It's the moment everyone (or more likely, nobody) has been waiting for! The return of patiscrazy.blogspot.com. On the eve of Scotch-tober Fest 2, I, Oakland, am reigniting the flame of insanity. I can't speak for everybody else (Joe and Justin), but for me the format is going to be a little different. Instead of trying to tie everything back to Pat being crazy, I will just write whatever I want. This is really about me, and if other people enjoy it, then that's just gravy.

And now, without further ado, here's a little video that caught my eye:

Yip yip Steve

Fuck This

So, because Joe and Justin are being bitches and not posting, I have decided to shut Pat Is Crazy down indefinitely. Sorry. Pat is sane.

It's Time To Fly... Well Maybe In a 1/2 Hour

I will never fly United Airlines again. During the Dark Period of No Posting, February 20 - May 18, the University of Minnesota went on Spring Break. For me, this meant some extensive travel time as I like to go party it up on the west coast during extended breaks. Here is a look at the journal I kept on my travels:

NOTE: All times are listed in their native time zones. When I am in Minneapolis, it is Central Time, when in Denver it is Mountain Time, and in Oakland it is Pacific Time.

Friday, March 14:

11:00 PM: WHOOO!!!!!!!!! SPRING BREAK!!!!!!!!!!! Let's do another shot to me!!!

Saturday, March 15:

3:30 AM: Ugh, I think it's about time I pass out...

5:30 AM: Fucking piece of shit alarm. Mrraaahhhhhhh, why does my flight have to be so early? On the plus side, I'm still drunk. Well, time to hop on the bus and get to the airport.

8:00 AM: I am on the plane to Denver. It's time to get some much needed sleep.

9:30 AM: I have just arrived in Denver. I am feeling significantly worse than I did when I woke up. I am no longer drunk. I am hung over. God, I just want to be in Oakland already.

11:30 AM: I should be taking off for Oakland right now. Instead, I am sitting waiting for the plane to arrive. They say we will be delayed a half-hour. This is a minor inconvenience.

12:00 PM: Okay. I am on the plane. However, we are still not taking off. Why? Because the pilot says one of the wings is leaking fuel. I guess I'd rather wait another half-hour for them to get it fixed than to die in a huge ball of flame. I am going to sleep.

12:30 PM: The pilot has just informed all of us passengers that the plane is not fixed as promised, but instead that they have simply concocted a hypothesis as to what is causing the leak. They say it is probably a failed o-ring, and that it will be another half-hour until it is fixed. I am growing annoyed. In better news, I just got a call from my sister and learned that I will be celebrating St. Patrick's Day, the most wonderful of all holidays, with her and some other people in the city (San Francisco, in case you didn't know what "the city" is).

1:00 PM: That son of a bitch pilot just told us that it was not a failed o-ring causing the leak, but instead some part which he claims is like a dip-stick. At least that's what I think he said. You've got to have a damn translater to understand anything they say over the PA system. Fucking technology. In any case, it'll take them a half-hour to get a replacement part out to the plane. I'm not sure why it takes a half-hour to bring a fucking part out to the plane. I guess they keep the parts in Boulder or something. Arrrggh.

1:30 PM: Well, the geniuses at United have set a new record for incompetence. The idiot in charge has announced that the crew brought the wrong part to the plane, and that it will be another half-hour to get the right one. What the fuck?

2:00 PM: Well, those monkeys in uniform have managed to find the right part, but it will still take them a while to put it in. The estimated time is a half-hour. I don't believe them.

2:30 PM: The pilot has just come on the overhead to announce, and I am not joking, that he has nothing to announce. I think the bastard is just taunting us now.

3:00 PM: I guess that the high school educated morons trying to fix the plane have given up, because the "captain" has told us that instead of fixing this plane, we are just going to switch planes. We have to get out and go to Gate 55, which is supposedly far away so that we can stretch our legs. He tried to play it off as a joke. I didn't laugh. This is bullshit.

3:30 PM: I am outside the new gate, and the boarding process has begun. We should be leaving shortly. It's about fucking time.

6:00 PM: I have (finally!) arrived in Oakland. The only problem is that I have gotten here 4 and a half hours later than I should have. And I just found out that my sister and them have already left for the city without me. Isn't that just great. What a horrible day today was.

Estimated time of travel: 5 hours, 23 minutes
Actual time of travel: 11 hours

It was a terrible trip. Or at least I thought it was until my trip back to Minneapolis. Tune in next time for that lovely story. Pat is crazy.

Pause

The lovely people at Fox have recently alerted me via a public service announcement about three very dangerous things:



1. House parties. There's alcohol involved, and alcohol is evil. Don't go.



2. Sex. Don't have it. Girls have cooties, and cooties are bad.



3. Mirrors. For the love of all that is holy, do not look in them. Mirrors are known to be portals into other dimensions, evil dimensions. Everytime you look into a mirror, your evil counterpart in the evil mirror world takes more and more control over you. Before you know it, you will be going to wild house parties and having sex every night.

As long as you do not drink alcohol, have sex, or look into mirrors, you should be safe. I advise you to destroy all mirrors and bottles of alcohol, and avoid looking directly at any persons of the opposite sex. Pat is crazy.

Welcome Back!!

To all the loyal readers of Pat is Crazy, we apologize for the long hiatus. School work and outright sloth got in the way of creating posts, plus Pat was on some sort of medication to make him less crazy. But school is over, and Pat is off his meds and ready to do a barrel roll (we are all still incredibly lazy, though, so don't expect too much). A lot has happened since February 19th. Here's some of the things you missed:

Where is Pat's Shoe?



United Airlines: It's Time to Fly... Well Maybe in a 1/2 Hour
This is the harrowing story of my Spring Break traveling adventures. A full entry will be posted on this topic soon.

And many more... Check back soon!

BREAKING NEWS:

We have just witnessed one of the worst displays of driving of all time. A car was driving around our parking lot for somewhere in the vicinity of half an hour trying to park. Their first attempt at parking required many awkward starts and stops, a few times out of the car to check if they were going to hit the car next to them, and several readjustments. They then proceeded to drive around the parking lot some more and practicing parking in various spots, both forward and backward: all with little success. It was quite entertaining. You should have been there.

Domo Arigato, Arrested Development

We here at Pat Is Crazy are big supporters of the short-lived TV series, "Arrested Development." One of the reasons that it was never a huge hit was it's tendency to put in jokes that only people extremely familiar with the past work of all the people involved in the show would get. Here's a good example:



Buster is a monster, and Pat is crazy.

Do you like beverage

Crazy Pat like Harvest Moon
I like to watch Crazy Pat play Harvest Moon
I wish I could watch it now.



I wish I had beverage in here.
Pat love Crazy.
Michael love Mary.

Bermaniscrazy.blogspot.com

Chris Berman is angry:



Maybe he didn't get his Canadian aspirin:



Chris Berman is crazy.

Best posts of January

Better late than never, here are the nominees:

Best Original Post:

An Amazing True Story
Beer, Cheese, and Inbreeding
Does it smell like fire in here
Merit Badges

Best Variety/Video Post:

Crazy Pat is Amazing
It's Bacon!
Oh Bluebird
Outlandish Claims

---
Best posts of December winners:

Original Post- Medical Alert!
Variety post- Google Ron Paul

The Audacity of Gloom

By now we have all seen the "Yes, we can" youtube video which was directed by Bob Dylan's son (and features my close friend Scarlett Johansson):



Not to be outdone, the McCain campaign has responded with this video:



Pat is crazy.

Why the hell am I here?

I just arrived for my 6:30 shift at 7:05 and the people at the tutoring office think I'm doing work right now. All I know is my largest contribution to the education of fellow students has been a poor drawing of Bart Simpson.
With that being said I feel like a big shot sitting in front of TWO computer monitors. I decided to document the momentous occasion with a cute picture while i was watching softcore amateur porn on the other monitor.



I made about $9.70 drawing that picture.

To make this all fit into the "Pat is Crazy" theme I went to YouTube and searched "Crazy." Neither of these videos are good, I really do apologize.





Pat is crazy.

Editor's note - Tom just walked in for the 3rd time since I've tutored here. He is my 3rd customer.

That about sums it up.

So, Crazy Pat decided to plan a 10 hour each way road trip in the middle of of the week against a Gopher non-rival, all when a snowstorm was hitting Michigan. The plan was definitely full of holes, but he decided to trudge ahead anyways.
The following is a fairly accurate picture of Michigan's Crisler Arena on Thursday night for the game against the Gophers. Needless to say, it looks a bit like a gopher football game.

The following story from a Michigan fan pretty much sums up the rest of the night:

I am one of those irritating people who makes it a point of pride to never leave a sporting event early. Since I matriculated at Michigan, I'm pretty sure the only time I've left a game early was during this dismal year, when I bolted with a couple minutes left in the Oregon game. And after those two weeks who could blame me? Or anyone? When not facing the imminent danger of perpetrating mass homicide, I endure...

I have sat through it all, melting-hot September games against MAC foes and frigid, dull things against Northwestern and Purdue. Misery has little power over me. This year, I've gotten through one of the five Michigan basketball games I've attended.

This latest was perhaps the most depressing sporting event I can remember. Michigan quickly fell behind by double-digits in a half-empty arena. The loudest group of people in the place were a hundred or so Minnesota students who had bizarrely decided to crash Crisler en masse on a Thursday night. At some point during the second half they chanted "our house" over and over; all I could think is "how goddamn far away is Minneapolis? Is it Thursday? What day is this?"

It was indeed Thursday; according to Google Maps, Minneapolis is 648 miles from Ann Arbor, 10 and a half hours by car. Seriously... what the hell? I can understand invasions from East Lansing or Columbus or, I dunno, Toronto or something, but Minneapolis? Don't you have better things to do than spend either 20 hours or hundreds of dollars to see your kinda-crappy basketball team beat up on Michigan's very crappy basketball team? Evidently not.

Pat is in crazytown

Blood Honey

Pat's favorite actor is Nicholas Cage. In the "Wicker Man," Nicholas Cage explores the honey industry, exposing its dark secrets*. Here are some highlights from the movie:



Pat is crazy, and so is Nicholas Cage.

*Probably not the actual plot of the movie

How to Look Like This Kurt Cobaaaaiiinnn shoop de doop pat iscrazy

Lol, pat is crazy.

Haley

Pat once told me that he had a dream about how when he was 26 he met this girl on the intarwebz named Haley. Something just snapped in him and he harnessed the power of Peppy to DO A BARREL ROLL!!!

http://haley.ytmnd.com/

Oh Bluebird

The Hookfoot version is better.



Pat is crazy.

Does it smell like fire in here

The lessons learned from Pat's latest rampage can be summed up in a mathematical equation:

+

+

+

=

There is a Level Red Crazy Pat alert for Hennepin County until 1 AM CST, Pat is Crazy

Merit Badges

Growing up, Pat was a member of the Boy Scouts of America. During his time in the Scouts, Pat managed to earn several Merit Badges, some of which are now discontinued. Here is a look at some of the badges that Pat earned and what he had to do in order to earn them:

Pyromania

-Set fire to 5 household items.
-Put a cherry bomb down a toilet
-Start a forest fire or a brush fire
-Throw a Molotov Cocktail at a moving vehicle

Hostile Takeover

-Take over a government-run facility
-Keep 25 hostages for 3 or more hours
-Kill a hostage

Circumcision

-Perform a circumcision
-Compare the pros and cons of having a circumcision
-Get circumcised

Religion

-Create your own religion
-Write religious documents
-Get an A-list celebrity to endorse your religion

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

-Do not step on any cracks
-Tap your foot three times
-Tap your foot three times
-Tap your foot three times
-Tap your foot three times

Pat is crazy.

It's BACON!!!

Pat loves bacon.



Unfortunately, what Pat thinks is bacon is actually Beggin' Strips. Pat doesn't know it's not bacon. Pat is crazy.

Patches the Horse

PATches the Horse is crazy:



Pat is crazy.

Beer, Cheese, and Inbreeding

Last weekend I went down to Madison with my family to see the relatives. A lot of this time was spent in the nursing home, where there is never a dull moment. We went to see if there were any board games for us to play, and I was led to a cabinet with half a checker set and the box to Trivial Pursuit...seriously. So the weekend consisted mainly of sitting around and seeing this:

*Not my grandparents

However, the Packers played on Saturday, so my dad and I took this as an excuse to ignore the person who raised him for 18 years and go find a bar to watch the game, I couldn't have been more relieved. We drove around Madison for a while until we saw what looked like arguably the friendliest bar in the state of Wisconsin, Wilson's:

We walked in to the bar and ordered got a couple beers, when all of a sudden, everybody in the bar started to chant that witty Go Pack Go chant they do at the games.

This went on for the next 5 hours, luckily we were saved from the horror when they showed a picture of Brett Favre on the TV. This presented another round of hooting and hollering while a nice young man, I think his name was Pat, came up to us.




It did not sound like a very good idea to take him up on his offer, so we decided to get back to the nursing home before we became accessories to murder. The rest of the weekend resumes back at picture number 1, but unfortunately I dozed off in a fit of excitement.

Pat is crazy, because you can get good beer for 2 bucks in Wisconsin.

Outlandish Claims

I don't know if they run these commercials in Minnesota or not, but here in Oakland Southwest Airlines new ad campaign is somewhat confusing. Instead of talking about how Southwest offers cheaper fare, better service or anything like that, they are claiming (without giving any sort of supporting evidence) that flying Southwest increases your productivity at the workplace. In case you haven't seen these ads, here is one of them:



Doesn't make any sense, does it? Well I did some research and found out that Southwest recently hired a new person to be in charge of their ad campaign. That person: Crazy Pat.

If anyone has any idea how Southwest could possibly increase your productivity at the workplace, please let me know. And remember to keep reading patiscrazy.blogspot.com because it will improve your hearing and make you more attractive to lemurs!

Need To Lose Weight?

Yesterday I was going through some old stuff in my room here in Oakland, and I came across a persuasive speech that my friend wrote for an assignment sophomore year of high school. His topic for the speech was anorexia. His position: pro. I think he makes some valid points. Enjoy, but remember that we here at Pat is Crazy do not necessarily endorse the viewpoints of the following short essay:

Anorexics are often labeled as having a disease. In a society concerned with personal physical perfection, such successfully beautiful people are envied with a fierce jealousy that borders on animosity; the result of such jealous hatred is the alienation and vilifying of what we know as, for lack of a better term, anorexics. Anorexia is not leprosy, rather it is a healthy way of life that is far preferable to the alternative: obesity. It is immoral and a sure sign of ignorance to claim anorexics are unwell.
Anorexia is often ignorantly called a disease. In fact, anorexia merely describes a person who chooses only to reduce meal portions and skip extraneous meals that are nothing but a source of excess calories. It is safer, less invasive, and more cost efficient than liposuction, offers less risk of cancer than diet pills, and is easier to maintain than fashion diets. To ignore anorexia as a healthy, effective tool in weight control is ludicrous.
Obesity is defined as owing 30% or more of a person's body weight to fat. One third of Americans are obese. This accounts for 58 million people. Of these 58 million, 300,000 will die outright from excess weight and inability to perform visceral functions. Their fat will overwhelm their bodies. Of the remaining 57.7 million, 50 million of these people will suffer from high blood pressure, and 40 million will have some form of heart disease. In women, 15 million obese cases will have breast cancer, seeing that half of all breast cancer patients are obese. All told, only 4.6% of the obese population will not have health complications. In America, a mere 1500 people die of uncontrolled anorexia. In the face of such stark statistical contrasts, we are forced to conclude that anorexia is a safer, healthier alternative to the unattractive, cancerous dangers of obesity than invasive surgery offered by liposuction or untested medicinal solutions.
As America approaches a state of total equality, we must remember that even the best and worst of us are but mortals, and that nobody in society, regardless of physical perfection, should ever be shamed for their healthful lifestyle. So the next time you see a beautiful, slender anorexic, don't hate them. Instead offer them your support and encouragement, and maybe they will in turn help you onto the road to anorexia.

Pat is crazy.

An Amazing True Story

Recently, I watched the movie "Bourne Ultimatum." During this movie, one of the characters dejectedly announces, "You can't make this stuff up." This reminded me that I hate all movies in which a character says something like that, because clearly you can make that stuff up. It isn't even hard. On another note here is a completely true story* that you couldn't make up about what Pat did between semesters:

One day, Pat decided to go to the top of 225 South Sixth, aka the Stanley Cup Building.



A strong gust of wind knocked him off of the top of the building. Luckily Pat was wearing a pair of baggy pants, and he was able to take them off and create a make-shift parachute out of them.


Pat managed to float gently down and land on the light rail, which took him to the Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport. Once there, he managed to sneak on to a plane heading for New Hampshire.



Once in New Hampshire, Pat voted for Ron Paul in the primary 20 times despite not being a resident of New Hampshire or a registered voter. After voting, Pat had an epiphany. Pat thought of a fool-proof plan to wipe out global terrorism simply using the principles of mechanical engineering. Pat quickly ran to Washington, D.C. where he forced a meeting with the President in the Pentagon's War Room. Unfortunately, just before he announced his plan for peace on Earth, he got into a fight with one of the officers over the deliciousness of roast beef sandwiches.



So Pat got kicked out of the War Room. Pat then stole a tank and drove it back to Minneapolis where he sold it for parts.



The End. Pat is Crazy.

*This story may be completely made-up. But really, who could make this stuff up?

Crazy Pat Is Amazing

http://tinyurl.com/27bmg9

That's the skeel.

Diebold Pat

The Department of Homeland Security has posted several alerts warning about Crazy Pat's propensity for nurga destruction. The terror threat level is RED. Pat will steal the election. Pat is crazy.

Behind the Scenes at the NH Debate

Red State Update obtained the audio of what the Democrats and Republicans said when they were together at last Saturday's ABC News/Facebook debate. Check it out:



Senators Obama and McCain both have won in Dixville Notch and Hart's Location. Pat is crazy.

American Gladiators

In case you somehow did not know, the best show ever made recently returned to television. No, I'm not talking about Cheap Seats without Ron Parker, I'm referring to American Gladiators. Last night's premiere was a veritable thrill ride of emotions: from eager anticipation of the beginning of the show, to disappointment at how ridiculously large the Powerball goals were, to laughter at how that one chick hurt herself trying to run, to rage when the contenders were too tired to make it up the last step of the treadmill, and then back to eager anticipation of the next new episode tonight.

Before we go, let's take a look back at this classic moment from the original American Gladiators. We can only hope that the new one will bring us more of these priceless moments. Pat is crazy. Sweet.

Best Posts of December

And the nominees are...

Best Original Post of December:
Happy New Year!
Hypocrisy
Medical Alert

Best Variety/Video Post of December:
Google Ron Paul
Pat is a Flag Snatcher
Pat's New Mentor

----
Best Posts of November Winners:
Original Post-Pat's former job
Variety Post- Tobor!

Guitar Hero

Does anybody else think that "Guitar Hero" is an extremely overrated game? It seems to me that "Guitar Hero" (and its counterpart "Rock Band") is just the same thing as DDR, except for people who think that they are cool. Newsflash: You're not cool. Live with it. Anyway, here's a video. Enjoy. Pat is crazy.



*Edith Bunker is a character from "All in the Family"